Panties be droppin’.

Dear friends,

What to do when Jason, the sweet guy you’ve been chatting with on Hinge for two months, suddenly messages you to say that the supper he is making is a real “panty remover.” (the real “Jason” is not really named Jason, and wished to remain anonymous)

Me: You throw your head back, laugh out loud, and wonder if you just imagined that or could that have been a typo. Then you message Jason back and ask for some clarification. “Did you just say your supper was a panty remover?” To which he confirms yes, he indeed meant that his supper was so good that panties be droppin’.

Then you message back for further clarification. What exactly are you cooking up here?!?! Do the panties come off at the table? Or after dinner? And have your meals ever led to panty dropping? You will need to read to the end for the answer key.

I’m obsessed.

I’m obsessed with the exuberance of this! I’m obsessed with the idea that life could be this moving. That “deadly” mashed potatoes could result in clothing removal.

The Window of Tolerance

Exuberance, along with other highly charged emotional states, is something I am very intrigued with these days. In fact, more than intrigued. I’m actively trying to cultivate a higher tolerance for bolder positive experiences. There’s a psychological model called the window of tolerance that I find very useful here. In this model, you have your window of tolerance in the centre. This is the zone of regulation. Below, you have the hypo arousal zone, which would be low-toned dysregulated states such as depression and lethargy. Above the window of tolerance, you have the zone of hyperarousal that encompasses high-toned dysregulated states that can include dysregulated states of excitement, exuberance and joy.

Image from Psychology Today.

(You might be wondering how these positive emotional states can be considered dysregulating. It’s actually quite common and arises when these positive emotional states were shut down or unsupported in your past. Exuberance may have been shut down in a classroom. Overwhelmed parents might not have had the tolerance for excitement. One that I’ve seen come up a fair bit is parents who unconsiously shut their kids down cause they do not wish to be outdone. All these situations can imprint on you - leaving bolder positive emotional expressions outside your window of tolerance.)

Why should you care about the window of tolerance?

Any kind of expansion or levelling up beyond your comfort zone requires a heightening of your window of tolerance. Effectively widening the zone of what you can comfortably tolerate without going into a state of dysregulation. It’s the dysregulation in your nervous system that arises when you attempt bolder actions that creates all kinds of inner resistance. When the nervous system thinks something is unsafe, it’ll fight you tooth and nail, and makes change a real uphill battle.

When your window of tolerance is raised, bolder, more exuberant actions become within your comfort zone, making it WAY easier to do the bold things and to sustain them over time.

Take Jason’s offer of a panty dropping supper. Having a wider window of tolerance allows me to get in there and bold ass flirt with him, leading to fun and cheeky exchanges with him and others that gives me a massive leg up on the dating app (flirting is an essential life skill IMHO). It also allows me to extend myself more comfortably and write about it in this blog. Extending myself further and bolder out in the public realm.

How To Widen Your Window of Tolerance

Support

Support. Support. Support. It should always be your go-to. Ask yourself this:

What support do I need to do that bold new thing? Or tolerate that exuberant thing? Support can be anything. Breathing, grounding, a mantra, music, clothing, lighting. Absolutely anything.

Let me give you a for instance. If I was about to do my first Ted Talk, I might think about clothing that supports me. Colours, fabrics, styles. I might think about a body stance that helps to build confidence. I might have a mantra in mind like, “I’m OK no matter what happens.” All of these things help build a supportive inner state that increases my capacity to pull off my first Ted Talk without spinning out into dysregulation.

Grounding

There is one support I want to leave you with that is a great go-to for any kind of extension. And that is feeling the ground. Imagine yourself reaching out into space. If you have a more solid sense of ground, that will allow you to extend yourself further out, without collapsing to the ground. There are many ways to ground (which I’m thinking I’ll do a guide on). Currently, my practice is to simply notice my lower body and its connection to the ground. Helpful when you find yourself getting up into your head or if you’re feeling lost and scattered.

Back to Jason and this panty dropping supper

Someone, please tell me how to make these images smaller!

Let’s not forget to return to Jason’s panty-dropping supper. And the answers to my questions. Panties off at the table or after? Well, after cause then we won’t get to finish the meal! Have his meals led to panties being dropped? I’ll decline to answer that as I wouldn’t wanna gossip about him (any more than I have!). What was in those “deadly” mashed potatoes? Just potatoes, butter, salt and cream. The key is getting the ratios right, he tells me. We shall see if Jason’s suppers are as good as he claims. What I can say is that I won’t be reporting back. That is beyond my window of tolerance!

Dear friends, I had a lot of fun writing this piece. At the heart of this is a wish. For you to live as bold and exciting a life as you would wish for. I am never about flash in the pan. I know from first-hand experience how challenging it can be to extend in the world when you come from a place where you didn’t get the support you needed. I only offer what I know for sure works and has the depth and sophistication needed to sustain real and meaningful change.

Thanks again for visiting. I wish you all good things until next time.

Dodie 🩶