I don’t know.

Dear You,

One thing I track closely, as a writer, is the impulse to write. I’ll have an idea in my head, but it’s not just that. It’s that the idea perculates in my body too. A mysterious alchemy of thoughts in the head, blips and blops in the body, and then, the glorious moment of readiness! When my fingers buzz, and start to wiggle about. My brain holds enough of a semblance for where to go with things. And boom, like a racehorse out of the gates, I hit the keyboard running, and there’s usually no stopping me.

I wish I knew how to downsize this pic! LOL, here I am! In chair with matcha. (not 5 am though)

That was not happening for me this morning! No impulse, no buzzing fingers, no idea forming in brain. Fear and anxiety closing in on either side of me. What I’m realizing is that I’m changing. This writing project has changed me. The “juicy” focus gave me a container to start this blog, but I now wonder if I’m outgrowing it. I now find myself in a state of not knowing what to do or what comes next.

I have a routine every morning. I wake up at 5 am and head downstairs. Walk around my space, turning on each of my six lamps, all fitted with incandescent bulbs. Never overhead lighting! I drink a litre of water with a little salt mixed in. I dance a bit. I sit in my chair a fair bit, being with myself, before I start writing. A highlight of my morning routine is making my oat matcha latte, taking it over to my chair with me, and taking a couple of sips, and at that point, my fingers are usually buzzing and raring to write. Downing another matcha or even two to get me through the session. As the sun rises, I’m usually left with a respectable piece of writing on my hands.

Not so this morning. I decided to stick with my morning routine, despite the fear and anxiety. What I noticed, in the course of that, was voices whispering inside me. Voices of wisdom gathered over the years, from my teachers.

The people can wait, my dance teacher taught us in teacher training. When you lead a dance class, he’d said, take all the time you need to arrive. Your arrival is what matters most. This is your offer. Your presence. So take all the time you need to arrive.

Trust your body, a teaching from countless teachers. This morning, trusting the tiny grin in the corners of my mouth - sensing that it was smiling AT me, knowing something of the future and that I’ll be perfectly fine.

Trust your practice. Another thing from countless teachers. Trust the water, the matchas, the chair, the floor and the dance. How I can rest into the familiarity of my morning routine, be supported by it, even when I’m afraid and don’t know.

Listen to the impulses that are showing up. Listen to the way my body says, dance now. What I noticed in my dance was how integrated my dancing body felt. As if the impulse to write was showing up wordlessly through the way by body solidly and decisively took up space, changed directions. The spiral in my body, driving my hands and feet through space. Legs and knees taking height and flight.

Be with that, Dodie. I say to myself. Be with THIS impulse, even if it’s not making its way to my fingers to write. Even if my brain lacked a theme or words. Stay and trust in the wordless knowing. This is what integrity looks like. Not pushing that which is not ripe for the harvesting.

Now, this pic was from this morning. Dancing and holding the impulse to write wordlessly in my body.

Dear friends, as you can see, the impulse came. This blog is happening! What I want to leave you with is this: I get scared too, when I don’t know what comes next. I question whether I can stay the course. I question whether I have what it takes. But I know enough to push back, stay in the room, and create space to be with my experience. To trust my daily practice and routine. To allow the teachers and teachings to whisper to me and guide me until my own voice joins the choir.

I have arrived. This morning, anyways. I’m glad I took the time. Cause the offer is so much more authentic and sturdy for the waiting. And even more so. I get to have myself and real connection with you, dear friend.

Your arrival is always worth waiting for. Always worth pushing back for. With you, in all this.

Dodie 🩶