Why I decided to grow my hair out.

Dear You,

I’ve decided to grow my hair long again. I haven’t had long hair since I split from my ex-husband twelve years ago.

The last time my hair was real long.

As women, we know - our hair is always telling a deeper story of self.

Over the last twelve years, I’ve gone through every conceivable hairstyle. There was a part of me that wanted to see what it was like to try it all.

It was quite the departure to be so adventurous with my hair. Up until 12 years ago, my hair had always been long. There were times during my marriage when I contemplated cutting it off, but my then-husband would adamantly suggest that I should leave it alone. So I did. Was I trying to please him? Probably.

The strong suggestion was that I wouldn’t look sexy or feminine with shorter hair, and that this would displease him. Was I trying to please my mother, and the culture that told us we needed to do whatever we needed to please the man? For the sake of our survival. Probably.

That time it was a mid-length and ash blonde.

Within a few months after my separation, I decided to let go of my long hair. I was ready for it. Kate said that it’s very common for women to cut their hair off after a big breakup. This reclamation of self, through hair.

And that’s what it was about - reclaiming my hair as mine. To please no one but my own curiosity and the desire to try it all.

It was a freeing thing. To change, and change again. Thankfully, my hairdresser is sent down from the gods, and my hair looked great throughout it all. And I really rolled with it. Got used to being the kind of person who didn’t get attached to one thing. I’d sometimes go in with no idea what I wanted and make a big change on the fly. Other times I’d bring her a pic - and say let’s do that. But I never got too stressed about the changes - we’d laugh and say, it’ll grow back, no biggie.

That time I got bangs.

In this decision to keep it long and grow it out, I feel this sense that it’s not at all like the way it was when I kept it long all those years as a young person and during my marriage. That time when my hair belonged to my husband, and to some story that I needed to keep it a certain way to stay safe, and to belong in the world.

No, not at all the same. After twelve years of trying all the styles and growing through these experiences, I’m finally ready to come full circle and freely choose long hair.

I can already feel my hair’s future stories … how it will fling around me when I spin and dance. Swish from side to side as I strut the sidewalks of my hood. I can feel his fingers firmly taking hold of my hair, as he makes love to me, and how the strands run through his fingers like that (I have never actually said the words “making love” out loud before - do you see what I mean - who I am already becoming in this next hairstyle).

That time I cut it all off and buzz cut it on the sides.

Dear you, I’m not sure what the point of this story was. Was it a story of coming back home yourself? Of reclaiming yourself and your own sense of beauty? Of learning to let go of the need to please others? Perhaps a story about the willingness to change. To try different things. To get to know yourself in this way and that. And know that you can always go back to the way it was. Take from this story what you wish. What makes sense to you.

I’ll be sure to update you on the hair! I’m certain it’ll look great, thanks to Kate, and the fact that I’m the kind of person who can pull it all off and still look good! (I brag, but it’s true!)

It’s so good to talk hair, isn’t it!!! On a weekend morning such as this. Take care, dear you, and thanks for all this.

Dodie 🩶

P.S. The Song of Now for this blog was “Sunrise” from Andrea Vanzo. He is a pianist I discovered on Instagram. His posts are worth checking out. The presence this man can hold is nothing short of stunning, and his music absolutely supports my own sense of presence.